What do we do....
When all you know is having babies, toddlers in the house, cleaning, cooking, micromanaging day to day lives and then working...what do you do when there aren’t any little people running around the house, dictating when its snack time, stepping on lego and literally just wiping arses....you go into a space of what the actual fuck is this what my life has been for the last 20 years....I know nothing else but how to do all of these things to fill my day always being one step ahead and predicting the next melt down and referring opportunity.
My children all have quite big gaps between them. There is 9 years, 4 years and a 3 year gap between my kids and the eldest will be turning 21 this year like what the actual fuck!! I’ve been a parent and making school lunches for that longggggg and will still be making lunches long into my 50s!!!!!!!
The realisation puts you into a completely new phase of your life and another what the actual fuck moment (Yes that is the phrase for the day). You sit and think what can I do with my day. Oh my god I’m netflixing again and I LIKE IT!!! Then there are times in the day when you get lonely and a little sad and its ok for that to come up and to grieve the little people and celebrate at the same time. I even had the thought yesterday Holy shit wouldn’t it be nice to have another baby...What the actual Fuck!!!! NO BELINDA that is not OK!!! For one I have no bits left in me to actually accomplish that task and two John and I are just beginning to feel human and we really can’t have another body in the bed as its nothing for us to have the 3 little ones in our bed at night which we all know can really upset ones sleeping patterns and extra-curricular activities!!!
Then you go into this grief cycle and isn’t that an interesting one!!!! You grieve for the mother that you were, the grief for the surgeries you’ve had because you were done reproducing and the babies that you won’t have, even those who are no longer with us and people that are no longer in your life. You grieve the little arses that don’t need wiping anymore and the lego box you’ve thrown away because the kids have out grown it, the snacks that you don’t need to get anymore...What the actual fuck!!! No one told me any of these feelings would arise I actually thought it would be a walk in the park!! NOPE not at all...but it is growth and with growth comes grief...with growth comes change (EWWW)...and with change comes new possibilities.
A beautiful Angel said to me the other day just sit and rest you have earnt it and you know what SHE WAS RIGHT!! Fuck Yeah I have earnt it and will keep earning it just in a different way. I allow myself to grieve all of these things...I allow myself to truly step into the new role that is here for me...I allow my children to grow and I now lengthen the cord!!
Its time to step up and live!!! Why am I sharing it because we can all relate and sometimes you just need to read something to know that you are not going MAD!!!